30 Days of Night

Josh Hartnett, Melissa George

2007 Columbia Pictures


And there's a big OH YEAH DAT'S WHAT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT!

Yes, the ladies of the Gherulous household (wife, daughters, granddaughters) are all a-ga-ga over the "vegan" vampires of the Twilight fame "Oh Edward, he's SOOOOO HOT!!"

Now, I plug in this bad boy, and the men of the house say, "Now THIS is what vampires are like - vicious, cruel, malicious, mean, nasty, ugly, verminous, hateful . . ..

and THIS is how we deal with them - with guns, with axes to chop off their nasty heads (and yes, that includes the little bloodsucking 8 year old girl vampires too!) and HUGE ICE CHOPPING machinery to cut them in half!

Boo-YAH!

Sorry to all the 'tween girls (both in age and in spirit) out there who want to believe that vampires can be "sweet" if they just fall in love with the right human girl, but this movie tells it like it is . . . these vamps are hungry eating machines: there is nothing attractive or sexy about them, and there is only one possible future for them - total corporeal disintegration!

Oh, yeah, and by the way - the movie's gory as all get out. Bring a vomit bag.

Plot and acting take a back seat to the action, but then, I care not, because I believe I've made the main point very clear. Vampires are bad and should be eradicated!!!


VG

Death at a Funeral

Yup - British "stiff upper lip" comedies are hilarious. They really are. Nobody can laugh at themselves like the Brits can. We Americans have not been humbled enough yet to laugh at our own foolishness (with the exception of redneck humour - but there you have it! humiliation breeds self-deprecating humour, because the point is "We may as well joke about ourselves before others do!")

The plot is basically simple: Dad dies, funeral for him, his gay dwarf lover tries to embezzle hush money out of the family - several people unknowingly injest mind-altering drugs, add a dash of cantankerous old man and enormous hilarity ensues.

This would also make a great play. It actually feels like a play in some aspects. It would probably actually do very well on the stage - the intimate setting of the theatre would really drive home some of the poignant, salient points.

But, truly, you could do much worse with an hour and a half. Give this one a watch, definitely.

and remember, if you ever see a bottle of Valium lying in a bush beside the shed where a funeral service is taking place in an English country home, don't sneak any of the pills - you don't know WHAT's really in 'em!

VG

Death Sentence (2007)

Kevin Bacon

This movie frankly, was silly from beginning to end.

Basic premise - Insurance Executive VP has favored son killed in random gang initiation killing, and eventually becomes as mercilessly cruel as the gangsters themselves.

Only this doesn't really seem to be a movie about this type of violence - from beginning to end it's just the director's fanciful version about this type of violence - something so distanced and pallid that it's almost comical.

The meth-making, MikeTysontattoo-wearing, cleancut whiteboys simply don't make convincing "street thugs" - they look like what they are: rich white kids trying to act like whitesupremist street thugs. It's ludicrous.

The plot - twisted, vampy, weak.

The only GOOD scene, frankly, was him fighting one of the punks while the car slowly rolls backward toward the precipice of the top floor of the parking garage. And if that silly scene can be considered the highlight of the film, you can see how saccharine the rest of the movie is!

You really can miss this one. Wish I had.

Sorry, Kevin . . . I've liked you in everything else.

VG